Highlighter Stars.

Last night I was talking to Emmy-Lou/Emma (pick whichever name you feel more comfortable with) on MSN (Windows Live Messenger just don’t have the same ring) and we were discussing these old online diaries the two of us used to keep (and are, incidentally, how we met, way back when), and we both remarked how pathetic our old selves seem.

It’s kind of sad, isn’t it, how you look back at yourself when you were younger and all you can think is how stupid you were, and how if you were in the same situation again you’d never do that again. Well, that’s what I do anyway. There’s so many things that I look back on and wonder ‘what was all the fuss about?’ I made such a big deal about things that would probably have gone away far more quickly and easily had I just let them be, without getting all het up about them.  There’s other things that I can’t figure out why I didn’t DO something about the situation, why I sat back and let it happen, yet got upset about it.
Although there’s something quite endearing about the way I wrote everything back then. Even when I was being all emo about something, I still seemed somewhat … hyper. I kind of miss that me.

An encouraging thing about remembering the past is that you realise how emotions fade. The saying that ‘time heals all wounds’ (or whatever it may be, it’s something along those lines, right?) is true. Crushes that seemed so important at the time now make me laugh at how ridiculously silly and girly I was. That’s kind of nice, for some reason.
There are still some things that I completely understand my upset over them, but they - thankfully - don’t hurt any more (except maybe in occasional moments of bitterness). I’d say I’d like to be able to go back and tell my younger self, “it’ll all turn out okay, whatever you do. And in a few weeks, or months, it won’t hurt any more.” But no, I wouldn’t want to know. The fear that you experience when you feel that you have to make the right decision to make the situation okay again, or at least bearable, is a very strong emotion. Everyone needs to experience it. It makes everyone stronger, that they had to make a decision and they came out of it okay. Maybe a little sadder, maybe a little more lonely, but they came out of it okay, and now it’s behind them.
(ssh, I know I’m being cheesy, ‘kay?)

My mother always tells me, when I’m agonising over what I should do in a situation (which is fairly frequently, because my mind and my heart have this issue about having conflicting ideals), that whatever decision I make, it’ll be the right one. I’d like to think that’s true. And - unless I suddenly find myself in a Sliding Doors-esque lifestyle -  I’m never going to know otherwise.

Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, it’s not the end - Anonymous